Suicide is Painless
by omalleyanatomy26
Summary: After unable to save a little boy's life Radar O'Rielly does the unthinkable and commites suicide. His death affects everyone but especially Hawkeye who becames filled with rage that Radar would do something like this. PLEASE PLEASE REVIEW!
1. Chapter 1

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Just an idea I couldn't get out of my head.

Prologue

Ever since the Aid Station experience where Radar was unable to bring back the little boy alive he hadn't been the same. Everyone noticed it. His sullen moodiness. His mumbling words. He hardly talked to anyone. Hawkeye watched Radar delever the mail from the mess tent.

"I'm worried about the kid," he told Hunnicut. "He hasn't been the same since the kid died."

"I know," BJ sighed. "I wish there was some way to tell him it wasn't his fault."

"He wouldn't believe you." Hawekeye shook his head. "He's convinced he didn't get here fast enough."

"Poor kid," Margaret said softly.

"I'm surprised to see you feeling sorry for him," Hawkeye remarked.

"Why? I have a soft spot as much as the next person. Nobody's that heartless."

"Maybe we should call in Dr. Freedman," Potter suggested. Hawkeye sighed as he glanced at Radar's lifeless expression. "Maybe. We can't now, too dangerous to travel. Maybe next week. He needs some kind of help."

He was more right than he could have known than.

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The next morning Klinger walked in the office.

"Say Radar, could you make a call to Sparky? I need a favor...Radar?" He noticed Radar's hand sticking from the sheet. "Radar?" He liftend the blanket and stared in horror at the blood stained pillow and the blood smeered head. In Radar's limp right arm held a gun, right next to his neck. Klinger stood there in shock, letting the information absorb him.

"Radar? Radar!" He felt like he had to shout, even though he knew he would get no response. "Radar!" He ran out of the office. "Someone help! It's Radar!" His voice was panicked, he felt sick. Hawkeye, BJ, Winchester, Potter, and Margaret all rushed towards him as he kneeled over-vomitting.

"Klinger-what is it? What's wrong?" Hawkeye helped Klinger to his feet.

"It's Radar." Tears spilled through Klinger's face. "It's Radar." Hawkeye's face paled as he read Klinger's face/

"No...No." He couldn't bare the truth, he must be mistaken what Klinger was suggesting.

_Not Radar. Radar was too innocent for something like this. Not Radar. _

He staggered into the office, dreading what he would find, and stared in shocked, dismayed, horror at the dead body of Corporal Radar O'Rielly.


	2. Chapter 2

**Please, please review! I'm really excited about this story. I'm really trying hard to capture Hawkeye's belief on life and such this chapter. **

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**Chapter 1 **

Hawkeye sat down on his bunk, still covered in shock and in Radar's blood.

They had finally put the boy in the morgue hours later after they found him. All of them were trying to pick up the pieces, to figure out what had happened. Intellengence was there,trying to investegate the situation seeing how suicide was against the law but shouldn't matter now since Radar succeeded in breaking it. Than what's the difference on why he did it or if they could have stopped it? Radar's still not coming back.

Anger built inside of Hawkeye. He had the urge to swing at something.

Good thing Charles wasn't there.

He had to do something, so quickly and quietly he picked up a pen and paper and started writing, to Radar. It was bizzare, he knew this yes. But there was so much he had to say to this kid and now he'd never get to say it, He had to get it out of his system somehow.

_Damn it, Radar, why did you do it? How could you do something so selfish? So stupid? You were so young, so full of life. How could you let this war win? You were so good at fighting it. Why didn't you come to me for help? You always had before. You could have this time. You could have come to any of us._

_Goddamn it, Radar, well you look at what you've done? You've created a hole now in this unite. You just don't know how many lives you've destroyed by killing yourself-do you? Everyone's a mess. Potter, Beej, Klinger, even Margaret and Winchester...and hell you know how I respond to death...what about your Ma Radar? Who's going to take care of your Ma? Or Uncle? You had no...no right to decide that your life was pointless. No right...Damn it it wasn't your fault! You tried to save that little boy! But there was nothing you could have done! Even if I was there there was nothing I could have done. That didn't make you a horrible person. That didn't mean you should have killed yourself._

_Why couldn't you have come to me? WHY? Why? _

"Why? Why?" Hawkeye felt a jolt of someone shaking him. He snapped out of his yelling and blinked as he saw Hunnicut's face in front of him.

"Beej? What was going on?"

"You were yelling." BJ's voice was grim.

Hawkeye sat there.

"What...what was I yelling?"

"You were yelling why. Kept on saying it over and over again." BJ kept his voice serious as he glanced down at the paper. "I see that's not all your doing."

Hawkeye turned over the paper and glanced at the officers outside.

"They through investegating?"

BJ nodded.

"For now."

"Good, Jesus I swear they're like Goddamned vultures. Ready to pounce at the first sign of tragedy."

"I know."

BJ swallowed and opened his mouth to say something. Hawkeye sighed.

"How're you holding up, Beej?"

"Me? I should be asking you that. You were the one shouting a while ago."

"Me? I'm fine. Radar decided to blow his brains out, why should I care?"

"No need for sarcasim."

"Who said I was being sarcastic? He didn't care abot his life well enough to keep it, why should we care about it?"

"Come on, Hawk, don't you think that's awfully cold? He was going through a rough time."

"That's a bullshit excuse and you know it. What if I blew my brains out everytime I went through a rough time? Or you? Think of all those patients that would have died without us."

BJ remembered one of the symptoms for dealing with death.

_Anger._

He took a deep breath.

"I'm not saying he should have done it...but this is Radar we're talking about Hawkeye, you could at least to pretend to be sad."

"Who's pretending?" Hawkeye stared at him. "I'm beyond being sad BJ. In fact what I'm feeling...words can't express it so I shut it off...turn to the next emotion on the list."

"Anger," BJ sighed.

"Damned right I'm angry! You should be too! He should have come to us for help...why...why didn't he come to us, BJ? Why?"

"I don't know." BJ's voice cracked at the last word.

"Well I'm sure as hell not going to shed any tears for that kid. If he thinks he can just do whatever he wants with his life..."Hawkeye's own voice was on an dangerous level of breaking. BJ reached out to touch him on his shoulder and he jerked away.

"Don't you dare touch me. Don't you dare BJ."

"I'm just trying to help-"

"Well don't! It's Radar who needed the help! Not me!" With that Hawkeye stormed out of the tent and slammed the door leaving BJ standing there in utter shock.

**I hope I have Hawekeye's character down, this was a more difficult chapter for me on how I think he might view suicide and such. I hope I made it somewhat believable.**


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